Transformers: Rise of the Fallen Review

I don’t care if the dialogue sucks. I don’t care if the acting is terrible. I don’t care if the plot is nonexistent. I didn’t go see Transformers for its clever wit or emotional weight. I just want to see big fuck off robots change into cars and back, then beat the crap out of each other, and maybe destroy some large buildings or pyramids in the process. When there is more plot than robot carnage, the movie fails. Especially if the movie is two and a half hours long.

Shia LaBeouf goes to college. His parents are zany. Megan Fox is hot. Hey, look, all college girls are hot! The military is doing something, and someone is trying to stop them, Optimus Prime is shiny, there are some evil robots and some borderline racist robots (think Jar Jar Binks). LaBeouf’s roommate is zany, a hot coed is actually a robot, Optimus “dies,” more military stuff, John Turturro’s talent is wasted in an incredibly obnoxious character (what else is new?), and they go to -- Egypt? Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf have petty relationship drama. The parents and roommate continue to be zany. There is more military action that goes on forever, then a happy ending. There's simply not enough Optimus on Megatron action to make sitting through all that worth it. I don’t think any amount of robot fighting would make me want to sit through Fox and LaBeouf arguing over who says, “I love you” first. Who the hell cares?

The summer action blockbuster has never been a genre to strive for greatness, but there are films prove that you don’t have to be mind numbingly stupid to make money in the hotter months, especially in recent years with the comic book geek takeover in Hollywood. The first Spiderman, X-Men, and Pirates movies, last summer’s Ironman, the newest Star Trek, and of course, The Dark Knight, had action, adventure, explosions, and a plot that made sense, clever dialogue, and artful direction. I enjoyed the first Transformers movie. Was it a work of art? No. Was it a lot of fun? Yes. They have the money. They have the talent. A gazillion people are going to go see it no matter what. What excuse is there not to give us something really good?

I’m not sure who is to blame for this endless, boring monstrosity. The first suspects are certainly the writers, Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman. However, Orci and Kurtzman are responsible for the newest Star Trek screenplay, which was fairly strong piece of writing (the movie was very strong, I think mostly thanks to J.J. and the existing canon). Maybe Transformers was just a paycheck for them, because there is an obvious lack of effort here. Or maybe they didn’t work very much on it at all and Kruger (The Brothers Grimm, The Skeleton Key, The Ring) is to blame. Orci and Kurtzman wrote the first Transformers movie as well, while Kruger is an addition for the sequel. Who knows why they brought on an extra person, why Kruger, or why it took three people to write this piece of drek. However, while this movie definitely suffers from bad writing, I don’t think that’s what killed it.

I truly believe that if an hour of people talking and traveling and running from stuff had been cut from this movie, I would’ve liked it. I would’ve been entertained instead of my brain turning to mush. And I don’t know who is responsible for not cutting this movie down significantly, Michael Bay or the four editors. I’m inclined to blame Michael Bay, because even if the editing was bad, as the director, he has the authority to change it. And because he made Armageddon and The Rock and should know better. And just look at his face. He just kind of looks like a douche.


Regardless of whom I direct my anger towards for not giving us a better movie about 80’s toys, this movie is rolling in the dough. And the more money this one makes, the less effort will be put into the next one. But all I want from a third Transformers movie is an hour and a half of really badass action sequences involving massive violent robots and rockets and mass destruction, without character development or comedic relief getting in the way (unless, of course, they decide to make it creative and witty). Is that so much to ask?

On a side note, the Untitled Star Trek Sequel will also bring on a third writer, but there is nothing to fear, because it’s Damon Lindelof. He’s awesome. And he wrote this: (WARNING: LOST SPOILERS)